Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”

My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.

Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.

Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

going ballistic.

anyone need anything?

My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.

Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.

My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!

if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends

“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.

alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right

Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.

People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.

WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work

ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does

Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”

Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”

I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.

when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work

I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.

Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂

If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it

before you call me an idiot consider this: i know

“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”

– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.

it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.