*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
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Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.