Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.

Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.

Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL

Snake: *bites me*

My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.

I almost dropped my Walkman.

Bit chilly again tonight.

Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?

Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it

Me: ok

[at grocery store]

Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi

Clerk: quinoa

Me: definitely not eating that

The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.

My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered

So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.

Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.

Me: I’m on a diet.

Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.

Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.

Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head

“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.

“Same place you do,” she said.

“No, seriously-”

“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”

what do you want

“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it

Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!

If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going

The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.

Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.

I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

Things a raccoon and I have in common:

1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.

Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again

I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was

Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts

Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas