Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake

I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.

i love meeting boys on tinder

Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”

I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.

[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: I use bad words

Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here

Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear

20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?

So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this

Her: I love pizza

Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school

Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night

Me: no, that’s mine

Neighbor: it’s definitely mine

Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods

Neighbor: I’m taking it back

Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this

I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.

SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide

ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did

[End of day 1, building Rome]

Builder: We’ve finished, boss

Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.

EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…

Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.

Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.

“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.

“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.

Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”

My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.

I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.

{Me to my dogs}

No more table scraps.

(5 seconds later)

Here you go.

This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here