Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.

Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.

If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.

[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]

writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill

editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on

writer: well, they go up a hill

editor: i’m already bored

writer: to fetch a pail of water

editor: kill me

writer: no trust me it gets better

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore

I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.

Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars

Wasn’t this a cartoon.

I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?

How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.

“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.

My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.

“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

*wakes up due to construction noise*

*tosses and turns all pissed off*

*finally decides to get up*

*construction noise stops*

“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”

“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.

WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

Someone: how are you?

Me: thanks, you too.

The evening news…

Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.

You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?

Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.

I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones