Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.

*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.

Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player

Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married

Interviewer: and you?

Me: distracted her husband with an interview

War & Peace

“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies

The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.

Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.

Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?

Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!

[Casino]

Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards

hi, how are you?

–yoda asking how high you are

its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces

Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor

to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.

This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼‍♀️

Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.

(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all

Netflix and awkward silence?

I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?

This meeting could have been a cake

Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?

Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.

Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”

My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.

Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.

[stranded on Mars journal]

day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days

day 2: I ate rob

“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”