Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later

As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.

At Twitter HQ

J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?

Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing

*releases update

Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”

thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair

I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.

Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.

you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van

“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”

i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.

*text alert*

me: i hope that’s my crush

pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today

vet: I need to give your dog some shots

me: no he doesn’t drink

You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.

North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.

Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.

Me: I’m so lonely.

ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.

Me: i have one pretty serious symptom

WebMD: that you know of

Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.

I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.

ME, 10: I want a big mansion

ME, 20: I want a cool apartment

ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest

Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.

[100 degree summer day]

me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza

people who love camping: ok, hear me out

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁

The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂

A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”

I put her in my pocket and took her home.

She’s mine now.

Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.

Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.

I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.

BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.