Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

*Adorns new baby with:

Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*

They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know

Man: a pack of condoms please.

Cashier: would you like a paper bag?

Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.

Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats

I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.

*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*

Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity

stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him

I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough

I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.

one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist

“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.

my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?

Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.

Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?

Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here

Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…

Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.

“No way.” -Jose

I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.

hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this

Paint me like one of your French girls….

With a big fat croissant in my mouth

[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*

her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*

me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*

The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.

Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas

if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm