7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
You Might Also Like
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.