*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
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Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house
I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?