*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
You Might Also Like
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
🤣dope
For the baby who has everything
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
This is the best one I’ve seen
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
Lassie, get help!
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing