*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
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could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
These 3D printers are insane!
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
pep talk
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
the three genders
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.