Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE

Thanks.

Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.

Girl, are you an environmentalist?

‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.

try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane

its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer

There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”

Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community

Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”

MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves

Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*

Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]

Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher

passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop

One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.

How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea

Me: *rocks boat*

Her: Hey!

Me: *rocks faster*

Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?

Me: I do.

JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever

ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age

Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.

Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’

Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’

I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.

I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.

It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.