7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
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Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves