7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
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Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.
Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there