7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
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shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
HERE’S MARKY
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it