Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.

I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…

finally

My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.

A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully

[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go

HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl

A large group of people is called an eww no thank you

I’m in such a great mood today

Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute

Me, in DM rooms…

5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.

Me: Aw.

5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.

*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

– Mark Twain

A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”

Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web

she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]

me: can I get 20 nuggets and–

priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru

me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite

Cashier: Have a great day

[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}

Me: I have bad news

“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.

roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”

You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?

[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text

It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.

The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.

Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.

PATENT PENDING!!

I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you