Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN

what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk

day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.

Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.

To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice

whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary

What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?

If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.

People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.

I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot

ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter

GRIM REAPER: well shit

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT

My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”

[drive-thru at 2am]

Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!

Neighbor’s mailbox: …

I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

[home alone]

murderer: [creeping up behind me]

me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!

murderer: [pauses] what kind?

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.

Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.

Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?

Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.

My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,

Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?

Wife: No.

Son: Why not?

Wife: You want to jump in here?

Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.

My husband has blocked the sink!!!!

.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!

My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t

Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three

Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on