Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

feeling dizzy

highly recommended, many stars

Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*

5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?

The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.

Burglar: *breaks into my house*

Wife: Quick honey, grab something!

Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you

Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice

plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing

Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.

If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.

I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor

[BOOPS nose]

COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.

Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard

Wife: *smirking* ok

Me: *pulls out my game boy*

Them: You’ve changed.

Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.

Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here

handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening

me: *nodding* ghosts

handyman: …this screw is loose

me: ah.

handyman:

me:

handyman:

me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?

INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words

*reads your mind*

*decides to wait for the movie*

Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.

Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.

multitasking lunch

Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.

one week till the election

If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]

Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.

Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit

[first day as a peterinarian]

Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign

Me (petting dog): No.

[napping on couch]

Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok I’ll be the cops.

Daughter: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Daughter: why?

Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.

Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.

having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you