Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred

Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !

Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will

[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.

When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.

If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.

(Invention of the necktie)

I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.

A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.

The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..

“Five year plan?”

[shuffles papers]

…written down here somewhere

… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*

With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators

Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions

Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.

[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me

[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first

ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us

me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.

Tremendous stuff

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that

is the plural of judas judasses or judi

It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.