7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
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[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.
When the stylist spins you back around
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”
Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad