7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
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Sweet. Free refrigerators!
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?