7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
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I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
*3.5 thank you very much.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Think you have only one chin? Let your kid take a picture of you from their POV and you will find you are sorely mistaken.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
me when the borders lift
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu