Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.

sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.

probably should have split this into two separate stories guys

A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave

casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet

We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.

*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*

(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”

Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach

I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’

me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes

my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women

My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.

Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.

I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.

My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.

[at Victoria’s Secret]

*folding panties on table*

“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”

Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*

[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla

Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.

God: at least you have a cool name.

Swordfish: so?

God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.

Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?

Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.

Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool

Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2

Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.

Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.

He replied: My Mother-in-law!

We fist bumped.

Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.

If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.

on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h