Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This meeting could have been a pajama party.

me: what’s your sign?

chef: spisces

Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?

Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

You: Where’s Carl?

Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind

You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?

Me: Funny you should ask

Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.

It was thirty seconds til daybreak

I waited patiently

And then it dawned on me

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving

Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.

My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.

Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.

Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.

I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.

Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥

Before countdowns were invented:

*6:30 at Chili’s*

Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?

Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.

Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.

If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!

[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.

5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions

me: are you cool?

my armpit: good to go

me: you sure? not itchy?

my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine

me: promise me

my armpit: dude I promise

me:

my armpit:

me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*

my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this

[teaching teen to drive]

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.

Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?

Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*

my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination

[interview]

What is your greatest strength?

“Throwing my voice”

You’re hired!

“Ok great, thanks”

Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good

The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed

People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?

Me: *revving chainsaw*

Therapist: No.