7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
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JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
I hope this email punches you square in the face
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.