7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
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My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
who named him groot and not spruce lee
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.