@DaddyJew

7: what do you want for your birthday?

Me: idk a new car

7: ok *walks away*

[ 2 min later ]

7: what do you want that’s under $6.42?

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@TheAndrewNadeau

[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.

@motrboatr

Thanks, but it’s spelled “sexiest”, not “sexist”. Stupid woman.

@DairylandDon

[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”

@Sarcasticsapien

I only discriminate against people who discriminate. I’m basically the Dexter of discrimination.

@abbycohenwl

Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

@JimmerThatisAll

I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.

@FinallyHeSleeps

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

@usermcuserface

Calm down hipsters who clear your throats while pronouncing hummus. You bought it at Whole Foods, not a bazaar in Marrakech.

@imallwritecom

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby