It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
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Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
The honesty is refreshing
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.