The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
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If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
something like this could probably happen to anyone
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams