7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
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I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamahahahahahahahahaha
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
middle school in the ’90s
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake