7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
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We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
X-tra spooky blend
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery