7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
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going ballistic. anyone need anything?
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.