7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
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Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis