7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
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Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
We need more people like this.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)