Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*trying a new meal*

Wife: how do you like it?

Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good

Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food

I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

Never thought owning a bakery would have me handwrite love letters for long distance couples sending each other breads but here I am. This is literally the thirdest I’ve ever wheeled without even being even there

I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.

Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.

90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.

Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.

My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split

[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?

Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.

“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads

Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”

WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.

*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?

As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either

I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.

You’re the unreachable booger of people.

My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.

We were definitely meant for each other.

[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]

Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”