Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.

When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!

I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.

“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”

back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

[3am]

WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…

ME: *suddenly awake*

WIFE: …teach me calculus?

ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative

I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.

Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined

oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode

Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.

CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.

ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*

[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]

My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.

Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.

Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”

Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone

It’s funny how my husband always talks me into going out to eat on the days I say I’m making salad for dinner.

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.

husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*

me: what’s with all the water

him: you know FULL WELL

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain

9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.

I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it