Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

Broke my make-up mirror this morning.

I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it

Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.

Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?

Me: on the wall!

Hitman: that’s a spider

Me: kill it!

I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.

a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*

agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer

me: it’s off the table

agent: {muffled} ..what about the second

me: also off the table

agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then

me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here

I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.

Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.

Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.

My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.

My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice

[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE

[first day as a lawyer]

CLIENT: you’re fired

ME: was it my opening rap or the –

CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes

I received my electricity bill.

I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.

“HULK WANT LOAN.”

Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”

“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”

Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”

My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.

Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…

Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.

Discuss.

I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless

My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.

“I just love a man in uniform”

~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes

Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

doctor: jogging will extend your life

me: thanks for the warning

girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over