7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
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At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Funny that the wise men brought probably the 3 worst presents for a newborn baby
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize