Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.

person walking past me: (politely) good morning

me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel

What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.

Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

[phobia support group]

host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.

me: [tearing up]

host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?

me: tsunamis

8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?

Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.

ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol

DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to

ME: He’s murdered 7 people

me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me

turbo tax advisor:

New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!

My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.

She’s my Japaniece..

Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.

My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor

… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.

My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!

I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.

[on a plane]

ME: how much for wine?

ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot

ME: oh right it’s free

Knuckle tats:

(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)

I’ve been learning to cook.

[holds out handful of sliced cheese]

pick a card

Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy

Wife: You’re supposed to cook it

wait.

A Story in Three Acts

I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.

II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.

***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***

III. Noooooooooooooooo

The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.

Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .

Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.

I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …

[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands

ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee

BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*

Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?

Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.