Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.

Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.

If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.

me: i wish i could have sex before i die

genie: granted

me: [873 years old] motherfu

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.

Horrifying if literal: arm candy

It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.

I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.

[Funeral]

Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today

Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!

If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.

I’ll wait.

My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”

And now we wait…

If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.

Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.

Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.

Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.

I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss

Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.

“Moo.”

– hipster sheep

If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house

I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?

Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.