Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*

now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake

If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.

I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage

When you don’t understand how floors work

I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.

I was born to run.

Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.

Me: ready to visit grandma?

Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?

Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.

Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.

Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.

I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.

Me: *skips*

My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

😂🍻

We’ve all been there…

I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000

Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?

Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!

Eggs benadryl my favourite

4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]

guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you

4 dentists: [in agreement] no

WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?

ME: u said to groom him

WIFE: i meant brush

ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off

DOG: this is bullshit

It still works 🤷🏼‍♀️

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?

I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.

the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.