7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
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Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.