7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
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A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love