Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?

Also no…

If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.

Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!

Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!

Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.

Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.

[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]

Waiter: Your bill for-

Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?

you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly

shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs

If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.

If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.

If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.

If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.

Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.

Me, at 33: I think I am too.

¯_(ツ)_/¯

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.

I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!

Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.

Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not

When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.

Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

The “baby” on the left….

Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.

*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]