7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
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My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
watching gymnastics
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.