7-year-old: I won breakfast!

Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.

7: Said the loser.

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Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra

Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years

Me: I was at the karaoke bar

Cop: Oh I see lol

Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?


Saw a squirrel get hit by a car earlier.Felt kinda bad,but I don’t think the squirrel gave a shit that the Smart Car was totaled.


The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.


Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?


ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]

WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?


We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.


Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?


you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast