7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
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the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
These are my roll models.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.