Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you dating a bunch of bees?

Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.

Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*

I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble

“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”

Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot

Me: ok

My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate

Me: ok

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.

Me: How many would be the equivalent?

Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-

Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?

My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.

Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework

My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.

Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.

Computer: *Crashes

Me: *Opens document

Word: You’re not gonna believe this…

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.

Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.

Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH

Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session

Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything

Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?

please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer

My ideal weight is five million dollars

I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.

Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.

This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.

You can just call me Opposite Barbie.

Selfie

I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.

There’s anxiety and then there’s my 4yo counting to 10 really fast because we’re playing hide and seek and oh my gosh I haven’t found a hiding spot yet

Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!

Wow, your teeth are white.

Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?

My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.