Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!

Me: I don’t gossip.

Me: I need the other guy

Him: I’m the head surgeon

Me: [with a broken foot] exactly

The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?

Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.

Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!

“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”

Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?

FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*

What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”

Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”

I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.

Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.

The only thing we need to bring back is duels.

Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.

With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity

This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar

Ethan isn’t playing around this semester

House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.

THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*

Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

[job interview]

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Alcohol

“Umm ok, how about strengths?”

*pouring him a shot* Sharing

This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”

Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.