Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper

I’m hunting wabbits.

I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.

5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?

Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born

5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool

ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus

Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.

Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.

*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.

Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”

Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old

Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer

Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t

Me taking notes in a meeting 😅

Her: WHAT?!

Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?

Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…

Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.

Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.

* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping

Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE

Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?

Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.

HFD:

Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.

Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.

Here’s your m

And an m for you

PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there

INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!

*11 people die*

INDIANA JONES: this was worth it

The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.

wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔

Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.

When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”

I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.

I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.

Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same

If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.

How I handle confrontation:

Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*

Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.