Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not

If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.

Day 1 of healthy eating

So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already

Day 2 of healthy eating

I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill

Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree

mom: what’d you do today?

christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole

mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.

God: you’re a dove.

Dove: ok.

God: do you know what that means?

Dove: white pigeon?

God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.

Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

ME: So. You from around here?

HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.

The horror:

“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.

Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”

me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here

Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”

All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.

“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”

daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

Me: I’d like the French dip

Waiter: Au jus?

Me: No, Catholic

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.

My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.

“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel