Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.

sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means

it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like

Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.

Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.

A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*

3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*

I’m going to start the new year with some spring cleaning. It won’t take long because I don’t own many springs.

There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.

*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*

[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff

Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.

She starts the blender reluctantly.

In the distance, screams.

The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.

[God creating chihuahuas]

“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”

Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.

Me: *sits* *bounces*

Salesman: What do you think?

Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.

Salesman: Please leave.

Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?

Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.

If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.

People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.

I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.

ME: we should do this agai-

DATE: im busy that day

[Job interview]

Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next

Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.

[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”

Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.

Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.

What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?