7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean ‘expelled’?
7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad
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HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Should I call tech support or pray or what
People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.