Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake

Me: Did you use the elevator?

Friend: I took the stairs.

Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?

If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.

If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”

Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”

100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:

1. if they stop swimming

2. if they accidentally eat a grenade

if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you

I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism

wife: shut up and take the trash out

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.

What the hell kind of scary shit is that?

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.

Me: I try not to make snap judgments.

Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.

All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.

if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree

[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]

When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants

That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.

[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY

My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment

Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”

Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?

Me: An uber haha

Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!

Couples Therapist: Yes

Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed

When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.

Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”

Me: *dances*

Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”

I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.