7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
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At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
The Birdles
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
this is the best day of my life
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.