Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊

*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*

Nurse: We only need one.

*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized

Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?

Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.

Dora: *stares blankly*

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me: *nervous sweating*

Dora: that was my favorite part too!

Me: Oh thank god

Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same

I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”

As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Why did the Christmas cake disappear?

It was stollen.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.

*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood

12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…

Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants

12yo: WHAT

I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.

Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.

[Later]

6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.

Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.

There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.

Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.

I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

Study: People with children live longer.

People with children: Shit.

[Weights bench at the gym]

ME: …327…328…329…

PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine

Had an epiphany today.

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.