Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.

Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.

A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.

Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.

Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”

Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.

G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas

Math at Halloween.

girl: i’m way into philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher

Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.

Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.

Therapist: what’s upsetting you?

Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly

Me: cry me a table, Linda

Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow

Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.

“shake what ya momma gave ya!”

*starts shaking low self-esteem*

[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]

Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.

I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.

Here goes….

My hips have lied. Like…a lot.

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie

Me: *winks*

Him: *googles signs of a stroke*

Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.

Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.

Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.

im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out

I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.

9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.

Well played, sir.

Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”

5 “Trying to pull it out.”

Me “That’s going to hurt.”

5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”

Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it