7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
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While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.