7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
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It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.
Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?
CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.
Me: …Oh
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
wtf
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”