7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?

Me: I don’t know.

7: I thought you went to college.

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Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon


Wife: pass me the rock sample bags

Me: I thought you brought them


Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…


no one:

contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad


Cop: Turn around
Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round.
Cop: Turn around!
Me: Every..
*gets tased*


(my first day as a transformer)

optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!

Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE


[bean naming]

Angel: okay, this one?

God: it’s black, so black bean

A: and this?

G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!

A: k, and this one?

G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!

A: … dude, you alright?


waiter: how was your roast duck sir

me: fine, i’ll take the bill now

waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part

me: no no, i need to pay

waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir


Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?