Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
You Might Also Like
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Cop: Turn around
Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round.
Cop: Turn around!
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?