7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
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When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.