7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
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Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
*weighs self after shaving
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”