7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
You Might Also Like
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Breakfast is the most important beer of the day.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY