7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
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Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift