7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
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364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
I hope it’s French Onion!
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?