7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
