Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?

It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes

I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.

BABY WARDEN: ok lights out

BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark

[pitch black]

BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!

The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.

Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.

Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.

[later]

Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?

My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?

My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.

This is my emotional support yacht 🎀

running feels great unless you compare it to not running

Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster

I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal

One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

you (uncultured): Ok.

me (cultured): Othousand.

Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!

Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?

TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller

Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.