Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.

INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”

How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?

Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.

batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them

alfred: right

batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown

put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes

Loyalty is very important for my wife…

My girlfriend doesn’t care.

Funny how different sisters can be! 😜

“And there was this one time…”

*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*

Me, giving a wedding toast

At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.

I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.

September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.

BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.

Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”

[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]

gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket

A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy

I used to be married, but I’m better now

How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.

Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.

I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.

Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.