Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.

Me: Good idea.

[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]

Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.

The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.

[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate

This is my pinned tweet

Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit

I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after

I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?

My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭

Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

My patronus is a cheeseburger

USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways

Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.

If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.

Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.

Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.

I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.

i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.

For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.

half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

[sheriff’s office]

me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition

deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records

me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now