7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

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ME: I’m gonna plug my Twitter handle.
WIFE: Please don’t.
ME: I’m gonna do it *walks to the microphone in front of the funeral*


Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?


I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater


Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ?

:-for the notifications to go away?


Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.

Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein