Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
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[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
My superpower is knocking down the same conditioner every time i shower.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.