ME: I’m gonna plug my Twitter handle.
WIFE: Please don’t.
ME: I’m gonna do it *walks to the microphone in front of the funeral*
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
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I wish Fox News was just news about foxes.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ?
:-for the notifications to go away?
Me. Every weekend.
Take a deep breath.
– Respirational Tweet
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein