@Cheeseboy22

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

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@ItsAndyRyan

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

@lisaxy424

[someone breaks into the house]

Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings

My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY

@UnicornSyrup

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

@Gupton68

him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it

me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?

@mrjohndarby

[at the mechanic]

me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..

mechanic: that’s the horn

@mattZillaaaa

A wise man once told me,

“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”

@waitfortheQ

My superpower is knocking down the same conditioner every time i shower.

@elle91

Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.

Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?

Me: What?

Brain: Eat brownies about it.

Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.

@Discourt

I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.

@Marlebean

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.