7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
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King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master