Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps

Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.

Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here

Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.

i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.

i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.

Ha.

TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.

IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”

Tired of actually helping? Try prayer

Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog

*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*

Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?

Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?

Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.

Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”

I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.

*getting murdered*

WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*

Okay, proceed.

co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”

HER: What kind of music do you like?

ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.

HER: Okay.

ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.

I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.