7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
You Might Also Like
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
This is me 🤣🤣
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
asking santa clause for nudes
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King