Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life

When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.

I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv

I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.

Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats

Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries

Me: Even if I-

Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat

Me: *purrs*

Her: Still no

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.

Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails

*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter

[2287 AD]

Omg: dad, where did our names come from?

Karen: the algorithm, son

Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm

Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger

Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.

Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?

[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”

[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD

there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind

Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.

5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?

Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?

5:

Me:

5: I’ll borrow another dollar.

Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar

*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*

Thinking about a snail with a limp

I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this

What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.

Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING

4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill

“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”

turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi

[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT

One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.

One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves

I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.