7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
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It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
As a doctor, I can confirm
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.