Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”

i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite

I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.

Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.

Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages

I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.

My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account

As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.

That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name

Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots

That’s no pocket rocket.

It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.

Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.

If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.

Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

who called it a toilet and not an IP address

“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers

My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends

A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.

Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise

FRIEND: wanna come over?

ME: what’s your dog up to?

FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-

ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER

Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.