Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.

My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine

Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here

Also me: I wonder how I can contribute

You excited to watch the Super Bowl?

“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”

[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]

[waits until purge night to illegally download music]

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

My wedding will be open casket.

If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?

T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!

T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…

3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over

Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.

COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer

Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.

him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere

I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.

*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*

The CDC should absolutely have a prison

I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.

The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.

I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out

Free will was a bad idea.

I should have charged for it.

[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]

I’m doing crunches twice a day now…

Captain in the morning…

Nestle in the afternoon.

The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.

So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.

Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:

IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.